Let’s Get Stupid: Hamdog

Hamdog is many things to many people. Hamdog is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum, buried inside a cured smoked emulsion of meat and fat, engulfed in yet more meat, drowned in chili and covered in fried eggs. Or maybe it isn’t. Wikipedia has been in an uproar this month as to what constitutes a hamdog, and so we are left to our own devices. I am not sure my devices are up to the challenge.

The Controversy

The Wikipedia List of Sandwiches from which our List derives describes the Hamdog as

A hot dog wrapped in a beef patty, deep-fried, then covered with chili, a few french fries, and a fried egg

As of September 1st, the Wikipedia article for hamdog lined up with the description in the List:

A hamdog is an American dish that consists of a hot dog that is wrapped in a beef patty, deep-fried, covered with chili, a handful of French fries, and a fried egg.

It also cites an argument against the nanny state centering on the hamdog, which is just too wonderful not to share with you.

David Harsanyi mentioned the hamdog in his manifesto against the nanny state, Nanny State: How Food Fascists, Teetotaling Do-Gooders, Priggish Moralists, and other Boneheaded Bureaucrats are Turning America into a Nation of Children. He claimed a group of activists, whom he called “Twinkie Fascists”, were trying to prevent him from eating the meal. While some people might not enjoy it as much as he did, that was the beauty of being a free citizen. Harsanyi described the hamdog as “perfect”, “greasy”, and “scrumptious”, but mentioned he could only finish half. That was his body exhibiting self control, “two concepts that nannies, it seems, can’t wrap their minds around.”

It goes to show that some people take some dumb things way too seriously. I’m am glad though that they linked to the Wikipedia article on self control, as I’m not sure I understand the concept.

By September 5th, an edit had crept in, concerning a version of the hamdog featured on Australia’s version of the “reality” TV show Shark Tank:

One kind of hamdog was conceived by Australian Mark Murray in 2004. His version contains a beef patty cut in two, with a frankfurter placed in between the two patties, then topped off with cheese, pickles, sauces, tomato, lettuce and onion. He received a US patent for his creation in 2009.

In this version of the Wikipedia article, the Australian hamdog is given primary status, with the version referenced previously mentioned as an afterthought.

By the time I revisited the article later in the month, it was all about the Australian version, with the American version treated as an impostor.

A hamdog as described in it’s United States Patent, is “a combination hamburger and hot dog bread bun”. It contains a beef patty cut in two, with a frankfurt placed in between the two patties. Then topped off with cheese, pickles, sauces, tomato, lettuce and onion. It was invented by Mark Murray in November 2004. and a hamdog eating contest was established in 2007. Dr. Nicholas Lang, professor of surgery at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, advised against consuming a hamdog, even as a one-time snack…

Mulligan’s Bar USA serve what they refer to as a hamdog…

For a time, I thought somebody was messing with me on purpose, knowing that we were covering the hamdog this month. However, a friend of mine brought this recent news article to my attention:

There were other similar articles in the first half of September. OK, so the Australian version is going on a bit of a media blitz. I wonder what the endgame is here?

As of yesterday, the hamdog is in the news again.

And there you have it. Shark Tank guy is looking to cash in! Cocking up our List is just collateral damage.

Godspeed you glorious idiot, and may you achieve the riches you so fondly desire.

Dumb? Yes. Sandwich? Hold on a second

Well it looks like just anybody can call something a hamdog and try to make a million bucks off it, so here I go. Let’s start with the basic concept of a hot dog wrapped in hamburger.

I’m not going to deep fry it, guys. I’m just not. I must have been brainwashed by the nanny state.

It just looks boring though. Even if I add chili on top later, cheese, fried egg, whatever. How do we take this idea and make it pop?

Let’s put the cheese inside the hamburger.

It appears that I did figure out what to do with the leftover Horseshoe sauce after all, guys!

It’s still missing something, though. Here in Chicago, we’re known for our big ridiculous hot dogs. “A salad in a bun,” they’re sometimes called. The dragged-through-the-garden-style Chicago dog features mustard, onion, neon green pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato, celery salt, and sport peppers. We couldn’t possibly do a Chicago-style hamdog, could we?

Do not try this at home! I am a trained professional.

This is a lie. I am actually an enthusiastic amateur.

Already, I can see the cracks in my hamdog dreams, as clear as the cracks in the hamdog reality. I’ve flown too close to the sun once again.

Hamdogs just don’t want to play nicely. Maybe Mr. Australia’s gimmicky version doesn’t have to worry about the beef falling apart around the dog, but my backyard grill version was disastrous. A good burger needs its beef to be minimally worked to avoid a sausagey texture–the hamdog requires careful and constant handling, kneading the meat into a tight springy tube, and it’s still a big mess. I put them into buns to satisfy the requirements of this site (meat wrapped around meat? I’m thinking not a sandwich, Double Down notwithstanding. Put it in a bun and I’m on board), but I could tell from the word go this would be a wreck.

The Verdict:

Plain hamdog: Boring. Tastes like a bad hamburger with minimal hot dogginess. I should have drowned it in chili like they said to.

Cheese hamdog: Slightly less boring. Still basically a bad hamburger in the wrong shape.

Chicago-style hamdog: This tastes more like something than any of the others. It tastes like a Chicago-style hot dog wrapped in a bad hamburger.

None of these were a good idea. I can’t imagine the “real” hamdogs described above to be much better. I’ll stick with my hot dogs made the correct way.

I’ve eaten some big dumb things for this site, guys, but at least most of those were tasty. Hamdog is garbage. Maybe I should have deep-fried it, doused it in chili, spread fries over the top, ladled on the cheese sauce, then brandied and flambeed the entire thing, but would that really have helped?

You know, I think it might have.