The Hangover Helper

Medical science has a thing or three (or ten, or thirty) to say about the best and worst things for a hangover. Toast and water. Bananas. Soup. Freakin’ quinoa. What you don’t need, says science, are things like coffee, greasy food, or more booze.

Well I’m usually all for science but in this case, science can suck it. There’s an art to the hangover that demands respect. The hangover is your body’s way of telling you what an asshole you were last night, and the hangover food you eat is your way of telling your body, “I’m sorry baby, I’ll never do it again, please stop pounding on my skull from the inside.”

Meets the criteria. Doesn’t do the trick.

My hangover sandwich needs to have meat and eggs in it. It should be cheesy and greasy. But if that was all it needed, I could get a Fried Bologna & Velveeta biscuit from Hardee’s and be done.

OK yes I tried the Fried Bologna & Velveeta biscuit. Not good. Maybe just meaty, eggy, cheesy & greasy isn’t enough. Maybe the hangover helper needs a little something extra.

Weekends are easy. On a weekend I can stay in bed until 10 or 11 then cook a big damn pile of eggs & such. Take my time drinking a couple big mugs of coffee, maybe even a bloody mary. Bang. Hangover gone.

Weekdays are a different story. I throw darts in a league on Wednesday nights, so I tend to be a bit foggy on Thursday mornings. My homebrew club meets on Tuesdays twice a month, so there are a couple of Wednesdays a month when I’m less than 100% getting off the train. Sundays/Mondays/Thursdays during football season can cause bad Mondays/Tuesdays/Fridays. And sometimes I just tie one on for no reason at all, like you do. Weekday hangovers are a thing that happens, so having a weekday hangover plan is a must. I’m a M-F 8-5 guy and I need to have my head on straight when I hit the office. I don’t have the kind of time in the morning to cook myself a proper hangover special. Besides, if I skip breakfast entirely before heading out the door, I can spend an extra 45 minutes or so in bed, vital on a hangover day.

In my old office building, we had a cafeteria, and the grill guy Martin knew how to cook a breakfast. He could put together a killer omelet or loaded hash browns, and I’d often have him griddle a bagel and put some bacon egg & cheese in it for me. I’m not in that building anymore but even before the office moved, my regular hangover breakfast downtown was and is the Huevos Completo from Cafecito, with cheddar cheese, add chimichurri.

Meaty? Check. It’s got ham and steak. Eggy? You bet. 2 or 3 of them, scrambled. Cheesy? Your choice of cheddar, swiss, or mozz. Greasy? If the meats aren’t enough, it’s got some sauteed onions and the whole thing gets put in a sandwich press.

Meaty, eggy, greasy, cheesy. Check, check, check, check.

But what about that little something extra? That’s the chimichurri, which lately I’ve been asking for on the side.

Chimichurri, source of goodness and health

Chimichurri is an amazing South American sauce/marinade, made with craploads of parsley & garlic in olive oil. This one has a little vinegary tang to it and a bit of a kick from some dried chilis. Eating chimichurri is like freebasing Health itself. Your hands will smell like garlic all day, which should make you very popular at the office.

I’m not shy about loading my sandwich with this miracle food.

Just trowel it on there

You can probably tell by looking that this can be a sloppy sandwich. Nobody ever said fighting a hangover would be a clean job. But it’s a job that must be done, and must be done well. Stinky hands and green splotches on your shirt are a small price to pay to orally administer this kind of pure, uncut health into your body. And if you leave the empty chimichurri tub on your desk the rest of the day, you can share the smell of health with your coworkers.

Jim Behymer

I like sandwiches.

I like a lot of other things too but sandwiches are pretty great