Beloved Bacon as a Sandwich

So we’ve got our toes firmly dipped in the vast ocean that is The List over here at Sandwich Tribunal, and while this isn’t the first List-related writeup, this does happen to be a writeup on the very first item on The List. What better way to start this alphabetical list than with an item that starts with the letter B? And what better way to start this list of sandwiches than with a sandwich whose focal point is an item which has transcended the food world to become a pop culture icon?

Bacon is popular. In the race for Existence’s Homecoming Queen, bacon is currently a finalist, having pulled firmly ahead of the waning Sriracha and currently polling neck-and-neck with chocolate only a few points behind Zaphod Beeblebrox. Bacon is everywhere. It’s being made into tacos, cupcakes, doughnuts, apple pie, and dipped into chocolate like some sort of perverse chip/salsa situation. Even where there is no actual bacon present, bacon flavors are showing up in candy bean form, gummy strip form, soda form, and in the form of a beer made to taste like a doughnut that tastes like bacon. There are products out there designed to shape bacon for those that have forgotten about the muffin tin sitting idle and neglected in the farthest reaches of kitchen cupboards infrequently traveled. There is even a product out there aimed at the sort of repulsive human being that just wants to smell bacon without all the delicious but burdensome tasting and digesting.

With all of these possibilities out there, all these flavors with which to compliment and contrast, the bacon sandwich must be a real hum-dinger! Complex, layered, dense flavors surely abound. Let’s take a look at how a traditional bacon sandwich is constructed:

Oh. Well then. Looks like we’ve got bread/toast, and then bacon, and then either ketchup or brown sauce. Maybe some butter on the bread if we’re really looking to get wild. Alright then.

First of all, what the heck is brown sauce? Oh good, there’s a link. From the link: “Brown sauce is a traditional condiment served with food in the United Kingdom and Ireland, normally brown or dark orange in color… The ingredients include a varying combination of tomatoes, molasses, dates, tamarind, spices, vinegar, and sometimes raisins or anchovies. The taste is either tart or sweet with a peppery taste similar to Worcestershire.” Okay then. Ketchup, Worcestershire, salt, and pepper it is.

Second of all, I don’t own ketchup. Real estate in my fridge is a real premium, and I don’t have room for kid stuff. Luckily, a short walk to a nearby gas station offered a solution:

Those are ketchup packets, one of which has been emptied and mixed with the aforementioned Worcestershire Sauce, salt, and pepper (all not pictured) to create my version of brown sauce. Look how brown it is!

So my methodology was as follows: I’m going to make a bacon sandwich. I’m going to cook a half-pound of bacon on the stove to a happy medium between floppy and crispy. I’m going to layer this bacon between two slices of toasted wheat bread and cut the whole construction into four sections. Two sections will get one of the “traditional” toppings. One section will get toppings of my choosing (ie things that I have deemed worthy of real estate in my refrigerator). Those things would be spicy brown mustard and homemade spicy dill pickles. And because science says there should be a control group, one section will get no toppings at all, and simply be bacon on buttered toast.

Here is how I felt about each portion:
Bacon only: Pretty simple assessment here. The thing tastes like buttered toast and bacon. The butter and bacon fat combined make the thing seem very buttery. It’s simple, it’s tasty, it’s a little dry.

Bacon and ketchup: It’s not as dry, but the sickly sweetness of the ketchup completely takes over. There’s no butter flavor at all and the bacon is there in texture only. This is why I don’t own ketchup.

Bacon and my attempt at brown sauce: Again, the brown sauce takes over a bit. It’s not as dry. Still no buttery taste. There’s a pleasant tanginess from Worchestershire sauce that cuts into the sweetness a bit. The combination of the two pretty decently balances out saltiness of the bacon. This isn’t too shabby.

Bacon/mustard/pickle: This is very tasty. THere’s a good mix of textures between the toast, semi-crispy bacon, and crunch of the pickle. There’s also a good blend of salty/vinegary/sweet/spicy flavors. This one is my favorite of the bunch.

Most of these were good. None of these were great. Despite the presence of a half-pound of bacon, I still just wanted there to be a burger underneath it. There was just an absenece of substance.

Bacon, don’t get me wrong. I like you. I like you a lot. I eat a lot of you and will continue to do so. I like you on burgers and in potato soup and wrapped around a lot of different stuff, and just all by yourself on the side of some hashbrowns and eggs and other breakfast fare. I think that the uncured version of you, when braised and then shredded, makes a truly incredible sandwich. I just don’t think that in this form, you’re equipped to be the star of the show. I’m sorry bacon, but I’m voting for Zaphod.

VanDiagram