Mettbrötchen

Guys, I’ve been putting this one off. For a few days, I thought I might actually miss a deadline for once, or give up entirely.

See, we’re taught from an early age that there are certain things you don’t do, foodwise. Some culinary no-nos I guess you’d say. Things like don’t eat moldy bread, or that random mushroom you found in your back yard. Don’t cut your vegetables on the same board where you cut your meat. One of the big ones is Don’t eat raw pork.

Beef? Sure, give me a big fat rare steak, still bleeding. Fish? Who doesn’t like sushi? But pork and poultry had better be cooked bone dry. That’s the wisdom according to the FDA, according to your mom, heck some religions won’t even let you eat pork at all, probably ’cause eating it in the days before probe thermometers was risky business.

Last month we ate a Belgian sandwich that involved raw beef, and I’m sad to say I didn’t enjoy it very much. This month we were tasked with eating the German Mettbrötchen, which is mildly seasoned raw minced pork (Mett) spread on a crusty roll (Brötchen). While these days I’m fairly omnivorous, food anxieties kicked back in pretty hard at the thought of it and I started looking for escape routes.

The Wikipedia entry on Mett also mentions Mettwurst, a sort of spreadable German salami, as a form of Mett. As it happens, I made a form of Mettwurst for the site a few months ago and still had one saved away, double-bagged in the freezer, to break open in case of emergencies. I declared this an emergency.

Mettwurst

Honestly, the Mettwurst hadn’t fared well in the freezer, texturally speaking, but the flavor was still fine, salty and smokey and funky with a strong mustard seed flavor. I heated some frozen Brötchen, cut one in half, and spread on the “Mett.”

It was fine–nothing special, but fine, my homemade sausage spread on a bread roll that was perfectly crisp on the outside while nice and soft within. But I started getting sad while I was eating it, and thinking of my one true failure on this site, the time I tried to eat a donkey burger but couldn’t find any donkey meat. This sandwich called for raw pork, something in abundance at every local grocery store. It would be easy to make. Why not just make one, take a picture, then, I don’t know, throw it away or whatever?

Half-convinced, I looked up a Mett recipe. Ground meat seasoned with salt, white pepper, mace, and marjoram? Isn’t that basically a raw bratwurst?

I’m not squeezing a raw bratwurst onto a damn bread roll.

OK, OK, get it together Jim. It would be stupid to do this with raw bratwurst, of course you’re not going to do that, it’s not just gross and dangerous, it would be getting it wrong.

Getting it wrong. I hate that. I do it plenty often, but this time I didn’t have to.

I bought a high quality pork roast with a nice fat cap, washed it with white vinegar, cut about a 1.5lb piece off the end, diced it up, mixed in the salt, white pepper, marjoram, and nutmeg (which is just about the same damn thing as mace), wrapped it up flat and put it in the freezer to firm up, than ran it through the fine die of my meat grinder.

Mett

Stuff this into a casing and yeah, you’d have something very much like a mild pork bratwurst. Now, I would not recommend eating this at all, but if you are going to eat it I certainly would not recommend making it ahead of time. Within a couple minutes of grinding it out, I’d spread it on a half-Brötchen and was ready to go.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Getting it right. Getting it right.

I had to take a bite. One bite, at least.

I took a bite.

It was… not nearly as horrifying as I’d anticipated. Raw pork has a pleasing texture, and the fact that it was ground allowed me to eat it without having to tear through the meat grain. The spices were not overpowering; instead, they were just enough to bring out the pork’s flavor. The sturdy Brötchen and it’s mix of crisp and soft textures provided an apt platform for the chewy but yielding meat. I thought what the hell? and took a second bite.

Mettbrötchen

I ended up eating the whole thing. Now, I have over a pound of this stuff left, and I will most likely form it into patties and cook them. I do not have any need to eat this again. But it was pleasant enough, and I can see why people like it. But 40+ years of cultural inertia aren’t overcome overnight, and it’s not for me.

Thank you German, for the sausages. Thank you for the Schnitzel. Thank you for the potato salad and the red cabbage, the Sauerbraten and the Sauerkraut, the Leberkäse and the Leberknoedelsuppe. Thank you most of all for the beer.

You can keep the Mett.

Jim Behymer

I like sandwiches.

I like a lot of other things too but sandwiches are pretty great